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Honora Totman Counselling for Cheltenham and Chipping Campden


RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING...

It has been my privilege to witness the transformation of my clients as they break their destructive patterns - to form relationships that are based on honesty, respect, and true intimacy.

I am truly passionate about helping individuals and couples create healthy relationships. Having worked for Relate in Gloucestershire, Berkshire and Warwickshire since 1997, I have had the pleasure of providing relationship counselling and couples therapy to people who have struggled due to painful relationship patterns. Many of my clients have longed to create respectful, loving and life-affirming relationships for years before they began counselling with me.

| CAN YOU RELATE TO ANY ONE OF THESE? |

  • I feel alone and disconnected from my partner and don’t know what to do.
  • We can’t seem to communicate and are exhausted from constantly blaming and criticising each other.
  • I feel insecure, clingy, and jealous with my partner.
  • We are still holding on to past relationship hurts and pain and can’t move forward.
  • I’ve just found out my partner has been having an affair – I don’t know how I can survive this?
  • Our world has been revolving around our children - we have lost “us”.
  • There is no intimacy or romance…can we ever get it back again?
  • We feel like we don’t know each other anymore and we are living separate lives.
  • We constantly get stuck in cycles of disagreements and fights that never get resolved.
  • My partner keeps withdrawing and I pursue (or visa versa), so it feels like we are unable to be close.
  • I’m sick of the pain of misunderstandings and don’t feel heard by my partner
  • I feel jealous and insecure over the smallest things.

| A FREE INTRODUCTORY CALL ... |
Just the thought of coming to couple/relationship counselling can be daunting, however with the right approach and determination it can be the best action you will take to getting the relationship you desire. I always ensure that I speak to my prospective clients prior to arranging any appointments, I am only to aware of the anxiety that being in this situation may cause, therefore it is my job is to ensure you are ready to embark on this journey and together we can plan your required destination. Please indicate when I can call you to talk over your concerns either by phone, Skype or Vsee with no obligation - where I can answer any questions you may have, it is also important to see if you will feel comfortable working with me, likewise, to see if I can offer the expertise you need.

| WHAT RESULTS CAN YOU EXPECT FROM RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING? |
  • How to communicate effectively
  • Learn how to deal with conflict in a constructive way, that brings you closer together
  • Form a secure and healthy relationship with your partner
  • Learn how to reignite your passion and intimacy
  • Learn with confidence what your partner needs
  • Make time for each other again
  • Make compromises that work for you both
  • A greater love for yourself, your relationship and your future together
  • A deeper understanding of your partners perspective
  • A shared meaning, vision and purpose for your relationship
  • A solid base for trust and honesty that helps you grow closer
  • Learn how to empathise, to know how to place yourself in each other’s shoes.
    This is not an exhaustive list but may include some of the issues that you are experiencing right now.

    | 10 KEY AREAS WE WILL EXPLORE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP |

    1. Your current problems and issues in your relationship - a pretty basic question, but I want to know what are the issues, problems, struggles, or difficulties that have led to you reaching out to me for couples counselling.
    2. Enquire into how your relationship started - what drew you together? What were you attracted to? Why did you choose each other? Under what circumstances did you meet?
    3. Explore some of your individual history and family of origin - we are all shaped by our life experiences, and this in turn shapes how we relate to others. I will be listening for any significant life experiences that may be impacting the relationship.
    4. What kind of relationship do you desire? - it is important to know what you each desire in a relationship. This then helps us chart a course for what you do and don't want. The vision is the destination and we can start to plan the journey of how to get there.
    5. Your strengths as a couple - we will explore what strength's you each bring to the relationship. We can then build on your strength's as a couple.
    6. Your individual relationship blocks - to gain clarity in what you as individuals need to start doing differently to improve your relationship and not to keep focusing on what your partner needs to change in order for you to be happy.
    7. I will be inviting you to relate in a different way in the session - effective couples counselling involves you speaking with your partner (not the therapist) about the issues that matter to you.
    8. I will be proactive, responsive and give ongoing live feedback - relationship counselling is very different to individual counselling. Couples counselling is about being proactive and responsive to the couple, so it requires a dynamic counsellor who’s not afraid to step in and intervene when needed throughout the session.
    9. Through the awareness homework for outside of the session - occasionally I will be giving homework you can practice away from the session, to encourage more effective ways of relating and communicating to each other.
    10. A regular review of our work together - this is so you can track what’s working and what’s not working. This also opens up the lines of feedback, so if needs be we can change tack. I am open to feedback - positive and negative, so don’t be afraid to tell me how you’re finding the therapy and if there’s anything you want done differently.

    | QUICK LINKS... |
    Registered with the Counselling Directory: Click here to view my profile
    Registered with BACP: Click here to view my profile

    CLICK HERE TO EMAIL ME



  • | WHEN A RELATIONSHIP ENDS |
    If a close relationship ends, the grieving process that ensues is similar to the reactions of a child who has ‘lost’ its primary caregiver. The same process in essence is involved with all ‘lost’ objects…job, home, community, health etc. The intensity or impact of the reaction will all depend on the degree of attachment.

    The concept that there are “stages of grief” was developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross a Swiss-American psychiatrist, and has been adopted by many health-care professionals worldwide. Couple separation is a painful and devastating experience. It can be extremely distressing especially when a long time has been spent with the person. The end of any long-term relationship such as that shared by a married couple or de facto relationship can be traumatising and stressful.

    • Our grief is as individual as our lives.
    • Each person is unique in how he or she copes with feelings of grief because each person has unique DNA and a unique personal history
    • Not everyone will go through all of the 5 stages of grief.
    • Not everyone will go through them in a prescribed order. In other words, the five stages of grief do not have a predictable, uniform and linear pattern.
    • You can switch back and forth between each of the five stages of grief.
    • The 5 stages of grief are simply tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling.
    • Click here for a fuller description of the grief stages

    Couples who have experienced a painful relationship breakup will often go through several stages as they cope with their loss. As the acclaimed psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross puts it, the stages of grieving chronicles how a person feels and copes during a relationship breakup.
    As you read these stages, it’s important to remember that this is not a linear process where a person will go through one stage at a time. Human beings are complex and can experience many feelings at the same time or not feel some of these things at all. Think of these stages as possible feelings that may come up for you when you end a relationship.


    Couples Counselling. WeiCheicartfinal5

    ANGER and DESPAIR are emotions most people find very difficult to work through, therefore they may employ various strategies to try and avoid these stages of the healing process.

    Example 1:
    The forming of a new relationship before the ‘body’ of the old one has grown cold. Since by definition little thought has gone into the new relationship, it may not last long. When/if this second relationship flounders, either a third partner is found or both losses are grieved concurrently.

    Example 2:
    A second strategy, more commonly associated with women, is, either at the WHY? ME? stage, or at the beginning of the ANGER stage...not being able to cope. Tranquillisers are prescribed since job/childcare etc has to be maintained. Unfortunately, attempts to come off the medication can result in a resumption of the grieving process at the point of the graph where they were prescribed. The prescription is then often renewed.

    Example 3:
    A third strategy, more commonly associated with men, is to allow a little of the ANGER phase (sometimes too frightening to get really angry) but avoid the DESPAIR (not macho to be in despair) by drowning their sorrows with alcohol. Sorrows unfortunately are born swimmers! Alternatively there are those who are unable to cope with almost any of these strong emotions – and belly flop to the DESPAIR stage in one zombie like dive. Without the energy of the ANGER to drive them through the DESPAIR stage, there is little vitality available for rebuilding their lives. Depression becomes chronic.

    How much does couple counselling cost?
    The initial consultation and all ongoing counselling it is £60.00, the assessment will take approximately 1hr, and all ongoing sessions will be for 50 mins.

    CLICK HERE TO EMAIL ME


    Disclaimer: The hypertext links or pointers to websites outside of www.northcotswoldstherapy.co.uk that are displayed on this website are for your convenience and go to information created and maintained by other public and private organisations. North Cotswolds Therapy does not control or guarantee the accuracy, relevance, timeliness, or completeness of this outside information. Further, the inclusion of links or pointers to particular items in hypertext is not intended to reflect their importance, nor is it intended to endorse any views expressed, or products or services offered, on these outside sites, or the organisations sponsoring the sites.

    As a registered member of BACP no: 526817 I undertake regular clinical supervision in accordance with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy Click here I am fully insured to conduct the therapy as outlined and CRB checked. I am also committed to on-going personal professional development (CPD) in order to keep my knowledge and skills up to date.


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